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Sonship

 

Life for most men boys is an exasperating search for the absent father who has not yet offered protection, provision, nurturing, modeling, or, especially, acceptance. Many men they have given up the search and they act out the wound on who they love the most. Every man is longing for attention, affection and approval from a loving safe father.  All the men that you see struggling with marriage, jobs, kids and anger are suffering from Father Hunger.

They go through their adolescent rituals day after day for a lifetime, waiting for a father to validate them and treat them as good enough to be considered a man.

They call attention to their pain, getting into trouble, getting hurt, doing things that are bad for them, as if they are calling for a father to come take them in hand and straighten them out or at least tell them how a grown man would handle the pain.

They compete with other boys who don’t get close enough to let them see their shame over not feeling like men, over not having been anointed, and so they don’t know that the other boys feel the same way.

In a scant 200 years–in some families in a scant two generations–we’ve gone from a toxic overdose of fathering to a fatal deficiency. It’s not that we have too much mother but too little father.

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me. 1 Corinthians 15:10 

Grace is not opposed to effort, it is opposed to earning. Earning is an attitude. Effort is an action. Grace, you know, does not just have to do with forgiveness of sins alone.― Dallas Willard, The Great Omission: Reclaiming Jesus’s Essential Teachings on Discipleship

“Ask this question: how have you learned the Father? Search your heart until you know that you know that you know how you have learned Him.  Then, lay down all who you have learned him to be and ask the Him to come to you as His son, and reveal Himself as He truly is.

Father, I have learned you wrong. It would have been better to not know you than to have learned you wrong. I want to relearn you. Who are you? What is your heart? What is your way? What is your way with me? What is the love language you have between us? Father, daddy, this is all frontier.  But I choose this day to give more of me to more of you. I choose to stay and stay and stay again until I have received your heart for your wandering son.” – Morgan Snyder

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Self-Care In a Crazy World: How to Thrive When Things Get Tough

Introducing a new book to help you develop resiliency and strength helping you learn to thrive during tough times Self-Care In a Crazy World: How to Thrive When Things Get Tough

Self-Care In a Crazy World: How to Thrive When Things Get Tough

Self-Care In a Crazy World: How to Thrive When Things Get Tough

This book came together in 2020. The year of a pandemic, social unrest, political confusion and, in my area of Chattanooga, Tennessee, a tornado. This has been a tough year for all of us. It has been hard to find stability emotionally, physically, relationally. The constant onslaught of uncertainty, stress, and conflict has brought a fatigue. I think God has designed all of us to deal with transitory stress or stress that comes and goes, but not stress that lingers for months on end. This year has produced a fatigue that is affecting everyone’s life. It is perfectly normal to feel exhausted and overwhelmed when dealing with the emotions that come from prolonged stress and uncertainty. For some people this fatigue looks just like a low-grade depression in which people struggle with focus and concentration and seem to want to step back further away from life. For others it seems to create an agitation, anger, or reactivity to the world around them. Many feel weary, anxious, powerless, sad, frustrated, and irritable.

Self-Care In a Crazy World: How to Thrive When Things Get Tough

What is self-care? Self-care is everything you do deliberately for your physical, emotional and mental well being to help you deal with life when it gets tough. As simple as it sounds, many of us pay little attention to self-care. This is why ‘deliberately’ is one of the most important words in the definition. For most of us we are running so hard we don’t realize the fatigue and irritability of an exhausted life. You need to be conscious of your well-being before you can achieve true self-care. “Self-Care in a Crazy World” will guide you with simple practical steps to help you create resilience and strength to deal with life when it gets tough.

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From Rejection to Validation Letting God Redeem Your Story

Excited to announce a new book from Mark Carpenter and Sheneka Land. Many of you have come to Connected together looking at posts on validation. This book will guide you from Rejection to Validation, allowing God to redeem your story.

From Rejection to Validation
From Rejection to Validation

Go to Pathway Bookstore to purchase the book

“We often try to hid our stories because sharing them can be risky. In this book, Sheneka and Mark have chosen to take the risk.”—Mike Chapman

Interweaving their life stories with Bible truths and sound mental-health principles, the writers offer a potent resource to help individuals overcome rejection, shame, and anger and to embrace a new identity.

Go to Pathway Bookstore to purchase the book

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Do you want to be Wise or Smart

Proverbs 1

Proverbs 1:7

I have always loved Proverbs.  As a child I was fascinated with Solomon’s desire for wisdom.  I still am fascinated and drawn to applying knowledge, understanding, experience, sound judgment and common sense into daily life.

To know wisdom and instruction,
    to understand words of insight,
to receive instruction in wise dealing,
    in righteousness, justice, and equity;
to give prudence to the simple,
    knowledge and discretion to the youth—
Let the wise hear and increase in learning,
    and the one who understands obtain guidance,
to understand a proverb and a saying,
    the words of the wise and their riddles.

 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge;
    fools despise wisdom and instruction. – Proverbs 1:2-7

Listen to Proverbs 1

Read or listen to Proverbs 1

A good definition of being wise is: applied knowledge, understanding, experience, sound judgment and common sense into daily life. A good definition of being smart is: mentally quick and resourceful; intelligent. A smart person can remember and recall things quickly; they can learn and posses skills that come from mental and physical discipline and practice. Being smart has to do more with the capacity of your physical brain. Being wise has more to do with the knowledge and application of morality, justice and common sense in our daily lives. Being wise has to do more with an intimate relationship with God (Proverbs 2:6).  Choose wisdom over being smart.

After over 35 years together this is the wisdom I have gained about marriage:

  1. Forgive quickly and freely.
  2. Cultivate togetherness.
  3. Always be each others best friend and biggest fan.
  4. Don’t keep score or a record of wrongs.
  5. Greet each other with a smile and a kiss.
  6. Never stop touching.
  7. Always be willing to change, grow and learn together.
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Accept One Another

live in such harmony with one another Romans 15:7

live-in-harmony

We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For Christ did not please himself, but as it is written, “The reproaches of those who reproached you fell on me.” For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God. – Romans 15:1-7 ESV

If you search for good, you will find favor; but if you search for evil, it will find you! – Proverbs 11:27 (NLT)

One of the keys in marriage is always believing that your spouses intentions are for your good. The struggle is that we usually are more willing to believe the worst. In the happiest relationships, they are steadfast in their belief that their spouse cares about them and has no intention of hurting them, even if they couldn’t completely explain what had happened.

And the truth is that they really are for you not against you.  In my experience only a tiny fraction of partners no longer cared about their spouse. Even in struggling, difficult marriages, most of the time, the hurt was not intended. In happy marriages, the offended spouse chooses to believe that; in unhappy marriages, they don’t.

For most of us, “searching for good” in our lives or spouse is difficult when we are in pain, it is not our usual response. It is so easy to gauge what the other person intended by how we feel in the moment. But gauging your life by your feelings can be dangerous.

I know at time the intentions and behaviors of people we love aren’t good. But in most situations, they don’t want to hurt the people they care about the most.

The choice to search, understand and believe a more generous explanation may not come easily at first. Try to bring your feelings in line with what you know to be true about their heart and character. And once you see, over time, that the “good” explanation is usually the real one, you become fully convinced that this person is “for” you.

Better yet, as you see in Proverbs 11:27, by expecting the best, you bring out the best. We all know this deep down; we just have to act on it. And when we do, everything changes

James 1:19, Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. (NLT)

1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Love is patient and kind … It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (NLT)

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Encourage Hope In Your Marriage

encourage one another and build one another up - Thessalonians 5:11

encourage

Speak encouraging words to one another. Build up hope so you’ll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind – 1 Thessalonians 5:11 MSG

Marriage is a journey friends growing together toward God.  The problem is that discouragement, challenges and life get in the way of enjoying the journey.  The pots holes of discouragement, stress and conflict problem can weaken hope. Every journey must include hope.  Hope is a confident expectation for something, but hope must have a foundation. You must grow a foundation of hope that will guide you along the journey.

You are not together by accident.  This was not a mistake.  Their is a purpose and meaning for the two of you to be together.  Find or rediscover why you are together. God has you together to make him famous and to grow you into the image of Christ.  After over thirty years of marriage I am convinced that God has used my wife as part of my curriculum of Christlikeness.  I have learned more about love, sacrifice, joy, patience and relationships through my marriage than anything else I have experienced.  I know that God has used my marriage to change me and the world I live in.  So often we see the challenges of marriage as hindrance to the life we want.  I am convinced that God will use your marriage to form Christlikeness in you.  The joy is the knowledge that in this journey God will give you Himself, and that is where real happiness is found.

Show your spouse that you believe in them. It is so important to know that someone is on your side, especially when you’ve made a mistake. Be generous with your kindness and support while showing unconditional love. Offer a shoulder to cry on, and a listening ear. Remind your partner of the wonderful qualities that you fell in love with, and why they are the person you love and look forward to growing old with.

I know that this paragraph is hard for some…. because you don’t feel this.  Ask God to daily show you the small things and ways that are unique and special about them. Remember they were made in the image of God, so in them resides something strong and beautiful. Show gratitude for who they.  In time gratitude will produce love.  Love can come back, allowing you to say, that you believe in your spouse also.

You and your marriage are not alone.  This truth has brought more comfort than anything else in my life.  No matter what happens in your life or your marriage you are not alone, God is with you.  Nothing escapes Him or surprises Him.  He has a plan to prosper and increase your life.  That plan and hope will come alive as you invite him into the journey with your spouse.

Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13 MSG

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Cultivate Gratitude

20 Bible Verses On Being Thankful

cultivate gratitude

The last several months have been confusing and stressful.  Like most of us, I tried my best to avoid thinking about it. I didn’t walk to talk about the stress, changes or decision that a busy life was creating.

In other words, I took the very enlightened approach of pretending that I was okay —one that’s about as effective as other common responses such as getting angry, pushing people away, blaming myself, or wallowing in the confusion and stress of a busy isolated life.

When life happens, we often relive the events over and over in our heads, rehashing the pain. This process is called rumination or negative self-talk; it’s like a cognitive spinning of the wheels, and it doesn’t move us forward toward healing and growth.

When stress creeps in, good habits often creep out.  A good habit is to redirect your thoughts.  To get rid of a negative thought pattern you have to have another thought.  Every time you begin to ruminate with negative self-talk use these verses on thankfulness to change your focus.

Here are 20 Bible verses on being thankful:

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Source of Validation

Surrender

pablo-1

Stop looking outside Christ for validation and approval. Life doesn’t have to be a tireless effort to establish yourself, justify yourself, validate yourself. Don’t let other people define your happiness. Instead of trying so hard to manipulate life, take care of yourself on the inside. Then all those other attributes you’re so desperately seeking will find you eventually.

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me – Galatians 2:20

The challenge ahead is that we must also allow ourselves to surrender to the truth of scripture before we will understand its validation. We must be willing to leave everything and follow him. Leave the desire to please others more than God.  Leave the desire to be served and serve others instead. Surrender is the key to validation.  Don’t cling, control, or manipulate with fear or shame. Surrender will bring the power, confidence and peace of God’s plan for you bringing validation and purpose to your life.

For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it – Mark 8:35

Surrender will bring the power confidence & peace of God’s plan for you bringing validation and purpose to your life
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We need to use scripture as a source for personal validation and defense.  Scripture is a shield against the arrows of doubt and shame. We tend to forget or minimize its authority as God’s word. God wants to confirm to us that Jesus came to secure what we could never secure for ourselves.  Rest in the truth that God has a plan for your life. Daily turn your life over to him. Look to the Father and you will find in scripture that confirms your validation.

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Its All In The Touch

Husbands and wives: don’t deprive one another of physical intimacy - 1 Corinthians 7:5

marriage-is-meant

“It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.” 1 Corinthians 7:2-6 MSG

Touch is part of how we create a strong bond and connection as we build a relationship with our spouse.  It has an important role in communication, intimacy and creating a connected marriage. When you touch your spouse you are acknowledging their presence and communicating your desire for them. That’s why most successfully married couples touch often.

Here are 3 types of touch or stages of touch that every marriage should practice.

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Anxiety Empties

Gratitude Fills

in-ordinary-life-we-hardly-realize-that-we-receive-a-great-deal-more-than-we-give-and-that-it-is-only-with-gratitude-that-life

Our Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of it sorrows, but empties today of its strengths – Charles H. Spurgeon  

Our Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of it sorrows, but empties today of its strengths – Spurgeon
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Anxiety will makes your thoughts race.  An anxious brain is an active brain. Anxious racing thoughts can make you feel that there’s only space for anxiety and certainly no room for gratitude. Anxiety doesn’t mean that someone is cold, uncaring, or ungrateful. Many times the opposite is true.  People living with anxiety do have gratitude in their heart, but it feels like there’s no room for gratitude in racing thoughts.  What is amazing though is gratitude will make room for itself in an anxious heart.

Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live – 1 Thessalonians 5:18 MSG 

Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens 1 Thes
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Anxiety empties us causing us to focus on what we don’t have.  When all you see is what you don’t have, trying to see what you do have is not easy. At night, I’d try to think of things I was grateful for that day and couldn’t come up with much. But, I was looking for big things.  Start with a focus on the little things, don’t get lost comparing.  Gratitude fills you with hope and over time looking for the little things you will notice more.  You will see more things that you have taken for granted, family, friends and the activities that you enjoy.

Eventually, as walk down the path toward gratitude you will be able to look back and be grateful for what God has brought you through.  Gratitude will also give you hope for the future. It will develop hope and remove comparisons.  Gratitude awakens you to happiness that can only be found in Christ.

In ordinary life, we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich –  Dietrich Bonhoeffer