One of the pitfalls in communication and conflict is criticism or blame. Learn to focus on the need instead of the criticism. Instead of saying, “You never help me with the house work house,” learn to state what you do need by saying, “Can we work together to clean the house, I would really appreciate some help.” Avoid using statements like “You never…” or “You always…” The goal is to remain positive in conflict by listening to your partner without criticizing, becoming defensive, shutting down, or acting superior. Learn to handle conflict with mutual respect, humor, interest, openness while acknowledging your partner’s ideas and feelings.
“‘Don’t try to fix it. I just need you to listen!’ I think every man has heard these words. This is a great little video clip Jason Headley has created about the communication challenges in marriage. Women want to connect in the moment with empathy. Men are looking to solve things and move to the next step. Learn to listen with empathy – remember you don’t have to agree but you do have to understand.
Your spouse and family need you and admire you. Take a minute before you enter your house. Pray and clear the arguments and stress of the day from your mind. Make the goal of entering into your home and family with positive affirmation and encouraging words. I know your jobs and lives are stressful, but your family needs you and your positive words. Take the time to switch gears on the ride home preparing yourself to engage.
Couples get in a rut. They do the same routine daily and weekly. You need new experiences to keep the chemistry or passion of the relationship strong. Studies have shown that new novel experiences can stimulate the production of the neurochemicals dopamine and norepinephrine, which show up in the brain in the early, blissful stages of a relationship. What this means is that you need to keep the relationship new and growing. Look for new things to do together and enjoy as you explore life together.
ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in your spouse. Focus only on what you love and enjoy. When we focus on something its importance will grow and expand. If you make the negative aspects of your life or spouse the center of your attention, those negative things will grow in importance. If you focus on their strengths and beauty, the things you enjoy, you will be amazed at how those strengths will grow. Focus on what is important. Focus on your love and affection for them and your enjoyment will grow.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Sometimes we spend to much emotional energy fighting the small things that don’t matter. Look for ways to celebrate the strengths and good traits of your partner. Your spouse needs to know that you “like” them as much as they need to know you love them.
Many couples miss the experience of going to bed together. Don’t miss this vital place of intimacy and connection. After a stressful day or an argument take time to cuddle and create connection. Get in bed together every night at the same time. Cuddle for 5 to 15 mins. Lay your head on the others shoulder or spoon. If you have to stay up, or can’t go to sleep, then get up after you have cuddled with them or when they fall asleep. I know life is busy and stressed but don’t miss cuddle time together.
“You Scratch My Back…. I’ll Scratch Yours” – this doesn’t work in marriage
We grow up to believe that “I take care of you, now you take care of me”. We keep score, we create deals and contracts in our head. The concern for couples is that deal making and contracts, quid pro quo, mostly operate in unhappy marriages. Don’t keep score. Build connection and strengthen your relationship by freely and regularly offering each other positive actions and responses.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13
