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Look For The Patterns

failures

Couples usually have slightly different variations of the same fight over and over again. They unconsciously repeat old patterns as a way to cling to the familiar while at the same time hoping that it will turn out differently this time. It may have to do with an attempt to heal old wounds, often from their arguments around these topics:

  • families that you grew up in
  • struggles with the kids
  • how money is handled
  • the quantity or quality of sex
  • whether or not you are helping each other around the house

Once you start seeing and understanding the pattern, an opportunity for real healing and growth can occur in your relationship. I also often tell couples that creating a strong connection to your partner doesn’t happen in a dramatic crescendo like in the movies. Healthy couples have daily acts and small moments of letting one another into their internal worlds.

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Listen To Understand

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Very seldom do we listen to understand. Many arguments would never happen if we would:

  • First understand someone has to speak and someone has to listen. You can only do one at a time – speak or listen.
  • Decide who is going to listen and who is going to speak.
  • When you get stuck slow down and use these steps.

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear,slow to speak, slow to anger;” James 1:19

  1. Stop and focus on the words, tone and body language.
  2. Listen to understand without the pressure of agreement.
  3. Repeat what we think we heard to the person speaking.
  4. Allow the speaker to confirm or correct your understanding
  5. Switch roles then repeat.
  6. When you both confirm that you understand each other then brainstorm solutions

Every couple has to get to understanding, but they may not get to agreement.  Relax and listen with the goal to understand.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People:

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear,slow to speak, slow to anger; James 1:19
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The Little Things Matter

creativity

The way to “show up” everyday for your marriage and make it thrive, not just survive is by doing small things every day to show you care. Adopt the motto “small things often.” Each day look for small ways to engage and respond to your spouse.  Look for simple ways to acknowledge them, and show support. Here are a couple of ideas:

  • Give them their first cup of coffee in the morning
  • Greet them or say goodbye each day with a hug and kiss
  • Do the dishes, or at least load or unload the dishwasher.
  • Do their chores when you notice they are stressed or tired
  • Leave small encouraging notes

Your small actions and behaviors will display love and increase intimacy. Small consistent displays of love and affection will help you build and maintain mutual respect and create a happy, healthy and successful relationship.

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The Paradox of Serving Others

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The best remedy I know for worry, anxiety and stress is the gift of serving others. The best cure for the tired soul is the risk of helping someone who is even more tired. One of the great paradoxes of life is this: When you serve others you almost always benefit more than those you served.

One of the great paradoxes of life is: When you serve others you almost always benefit more than those you served
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Metaphors Of Our Relationship With God

God Loves You

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If you spend any time with me you will eventually hear me talk about the metaphors that God uses in scripture to explain our relationship with Him.  I am fascinated with them.  They are a beautiful picture of God’s love, care, provision and affection for us. I have been pondering the idea that God really does want and enjoy us for several years.  Take some time to look over the metaphors that I have listed below.  Ponder them, ask God questions.  If you allow them to take root they will bring a confidence as you deal with life.  The lie that most of us struggle with is that we are alone.  It is all up to us, we have no one to help us or be with us along the journey.  The metaphors of scripture will help combat or erase that lie.  Imagine how much different your life would be if you were absolutely confident that God was with you.

Here are some of the metaphors that scripture uses to describe your relationship with God.  This is a good start and guide to help you understand your relationship with God.

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To Love At All Is To Be Vulnerable

Love is what we are born with

The typical response to physical or emotional pain is to self protect.  When you are hurt physically self protection is wisdom.  Emotional pain is different.  When you have been hurt emotionally with shame and rejection you have to be willing to risk to find healing.  Risk by trying to love again not self protect. Reaching for and responding with love toward your spouse, children and friends will bring health and healing.  Physical or emotional withdrawal can work in the short run but can be toxic in the long run.  Learn to risk by loving those around you again.  You have a choice.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable – C.S. Lewis

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Marriage Is Not 50 / 50

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You must realize that marriage is not 50 / 50.  If you think that you just meet in the middle and he wins or she wins bitterness and keeping score will set in.  Marriage is 100 / 100.  You must be willing to go all the way to their side not just meet in the middle.  The best marriages understand that having the the heart of a servant is a key to happiness.

Philippians 2:4 MSG – Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.

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Easter

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I love Easter and the joy of spring.  Watching the world come alive with daffodils, tulips, beautiful dogwood trees and green grass.  These all bring the hope and joy that newness can bring.  My hope and prayer is that you will enjoy and experience the wonder of new beginnings this Easter season.

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Do Something

5 ways to proactively bless your spouse and family

do something

Every day you should begin with a vision for where you want to go.  The goal is to be proactive not reactive.  This is a common business idea – Begin with the end in mind – Stephen Covey.  Does this idea work in relationships?  Here are five small things you can do that will proactively bless your spouse and family:

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Comparison

pablo

A heart of gratitude is open, receptive, living in growth and satisfaction.  This is why exercising gratitude is associated with positive outcomes in mental and physical health.  When you get stuck in comparison you are calculating, measuring, and categorizing life and people.  Comparison makes you more narrow and rigid, inhibiting growth and good positive relationships.

Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 MSG

Learn to cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. and because all things have contributed to your life, you should include all things in your gratitude.

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”
― Marcel Proust